When 'Shyness' is Really Self Defeatist...

I've really been struggling with something lately! It's the most obvious thing, but to me it's been a crutch that I didn't even realize I had until very recently. I'm a "chick with a dick". Who knew? ;) LOL

Now this is where you smack me on the forehead and say something like, well, DUH! Give me just a second to point out what I mean by that though. First of all... I'm WAY more than just a chick with a dick! I'm outgoing, smart, goofy, creative, silly, and sensuous, just for starters. The only problem is, I could not get past the C.W.D. syndrome in order to appreciate those finer qualities about myself!

I've never thought of myself as self-limiting, but for the last two years of my transition, I've totally cut myself off at the knees every time I thought I liked someone, or they liked me (big 'L' here). ;( It's like, I'm so afraid that they'll get close and be freaked out by the fact that what's between my legs doesn't match what's above the waist, that I never even gave whomever the opportunity to show me how really cool they can be!!! I mean... is that neurotic or what?!?! grrrrrrr!

From this day forward I promise to forget that I'm "different"... at least long enough to give someone a chance at getting to know me better! Otherwise, no surgery in the world is going to "fix" my insecurity! :)

Happy Friday!
Maddy
PS: Great topical post in the Zen habits blog => Attack Your Limitations: Turn Your Weaknesses Into Strengths

hormanal t-girl seeks large shotgun ;)

I'm sitting here doing 'square breathing' in order to keep from snapping and killing someone today...

• breathe in for 4 heartbeats...
• hold and center for 4 heartbeats...
• breathe out for 4 heartbeats...
• hold and center for 4 heartbeats..

Listen to the music and be at one with the universe ... don't kill people... don't kill people... don't kill people ... ok you can just maim someone today ... we'll call it a 12 step program ;) LOL

Seriously though... I don't ever recall really just waking up in a truly foul mood and not being able to recover from it before going on hormones! I know that the 'male' brain tends to have more of the 'make you happy' chemicals in it than the 'female' brain, but I'm just downright bitchy today! Thankfully I've managed to restrain myself from unloosing the fury on someone, but dios mio! It does make you wonder if your brain actually changes or if I'm just being hormonal. ;) Oh well sorry to waste a post on my bitchiness ...

ttfn,
Maddy

Changing Your Identity

OK! So I'm finally to the place in my life/transition where I (get?) to finally legally change my name. (The question mark here comes from one of my recent life questions, "If I lived in in a perfect world where what's between your legs didn't determine your gender, would I need to 'transition' at all?") I've done the hard part at the courthouse and social security office, but now I need to do the rounds of all of the utilities, banks, work, etc and share the good news. :)

There is one nagging question though... Should I even bother to get my gender marker changed? I mean really. Although I never wanted to be trans, and I sure as hell wouldn't wish it on anyone else, I'm proud to be so. I have a set of life experiences that are unique to me and me alone (well, me and the rest of the TG world ;) ). Non-TG people definitely can't say that they've truly walked a mile in a man's shoes and another in a woman's (figuratively speaking of course).

There more to it than that though. If I got my gender marker changed, that would be one more block in the way of going stealth. You see, unlike some of my TG brothers and sisters I don't want to be stealth. In fact, I fear it! To me it would mean giving up that part of my life that I've lived up till now, and all the experience, friends, and family that comes with it. Now don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely THRILLED to have spent the last year of my life as a woman! Even though things haven't been easy, I would do it over again in a heartbeat!!!

I just don't believe that you can deny part of who you are and remain a healthy person. It's like going from one closet to another and I refuse to do that. Because of that, I'm almost of a mind to not get the marker on my DL or Birth Certificate, etc changed. It's one little way of keeping me honest. :) Maybe I'm over-thinking things (like I always do), but it's important to me to be out as trans! I mean really ... how else are we going to change the world??? ;)

Maddy