When 'Shyness' is Really Self Defeatist...

I've really been struggling with something lately! It's the most obvious thing, but to me it's been a crutch that I didn't even realize I had until very recently. I'm a "chick with a dick". Who knew? ;) LOL

Now this is where you smack me on the forehead and say something like, well, DUH! Give me just a second to point out what I mean by that though. First of all... I'm WAY more than just a chick with a dick! I'm outgoing, smart, goofy, creative, silly, and sensuous, just for starters. The only problem is, I could not get past the C.W.D. syndrome in order to appreciate those finer qualities about myself!

I've never thought of myself as self-limiting, but for the last two years of my transition, I've totally cut myself off at the knees every time I thought I liked someone, or they liked me (big 'L' here). ;( It's like, I'm so afraid that they'll get close and be freaked out by the fact that what's between my legs doesn't match what's above the waist, that I never even gave whomever the opportunity to show me how really cool they can be!!! I mean... is that neurotic or what?!?! grrrrrrr!

From this day forward I promise to forget that I'm "different"... at least long enough to give someone a chance at getting to know me better! Otherwise, no surgery in the world is going to "fix" my insecurity! :)

Happy Friday!
Maddy
PS: Great topical post in the Zen habits blog => Attack Your Limitations: Turn Your Weaknesses Into Strengths

Newsweek: TV Gets Transgendered

WOW! Ok, so a coworker sent me a link to this Newsweek article and I just couldn't believe how awesome it was! The article takes a positive note about the trend for putting TG the reality TV shows. On top of that, they use the right lingo, and reference the right organizations (NCTE). I was especially impressed by an analysis of how Isis' transition relates to her ability as a model! Great read! :)

http://www.newsweek.com/id/159390/page/1

Enjoy! :)
Maddy

Come to my quite place...

Welcome to my quite place. To get here, you first quite your mind. Let your thoughts drift and ebb as they feel the need but don't focus on them or let them distract you.

Take a deep breath. Hold it for a second and relish the freshness of the air, the clarity it brings, and the life it sustains, then release it back into the world. Breathe easy and calm.

As you take the first step notice the rough texture of the rough-hewn limestone stairway as it leads up through the misty jungle. Notice the effort of each step and coolness of the stairs as they press into your feet. Make solid contact with each one, knowing and understanding exactly where you are at all times before taking the next.

Your mind stills and a sense of awe dawns as you reach the canopy and view the expanse of nature that spreads out for miles around you. Above your head, falcons dance on the breeze. Below your feet, jaguars pad through the soft undergrowth.

Welcome to the middle world, the place between places. Its beauty is awe inspiring but can also be distracting. Let it fill your senses and give you hope, but don't stop here. You're only half-way there.

You return to the stairs and notice that they're getting steeper. Each step requires a little more effort but propels you higher and higher along your way. You break into a warm sweat, feeling the gentle strain as your muscles lift you nearly to the top.

As you go higher, a cool mist settles in, shrouding your path and unsettling your mind. You start to drift and a twinge of fear creeps in as you wonder how painful a fall would be. Don't get distracted. Now is the crucial point. You're almost there, so stay focused on the path. Feel the smooth rock under your feet and against your palms as you hug the steeply inclined stairway.

Eventually you reach a point where you can get no further. You're right below the top but you can't quite reach the edge to pull yourself up. Just then, a hand is lowered over the edge. You grasp their forearm and together you haul yourself up, over the edge, and onto a plateau atop the mountain.

As you breathe deeply and recover your senses you notice that the whole world is stretched out below you. Cities and forests, oceans and deserts all spread out for you to observe. Behind you stands an ancient building. People are coming and going through it doors.

"It's not time yet for that", the person who helped you states. "You just needed a little perspective. Come back later and you can go there." You wonder how you are going to get down, but then notice people actually jumping over the edge! Warily you walk up to the side and look over. All you can see is people disappearing through the clouds.

Fearfully, you look back at the spot where you climbed over the edge and then back at the person standing behind you. "Go ahead," they say. "It won't hurt... much" They say with a laugh. Then, uncertainly you step to the edge and lean out ever so slowly, until gravity takes it's hold on you and pulls you over the side.

The first thing you notice is the sound of the air as it swooshes past, and coolness of the cloudy mist as it condenses on your skin. Eventually you break through the clouds and free fall into the open sky. Turning over you start to roll in the sky. First to one side, then to the next. After a bit you start doing somersaults and actually laugh at the feeling.

Then you notice the jungle canopy coming at you rather quickly. Sensing your impending doom, you tense... Then, knowing you have not control over what's going to happen next, you relax fully and completely and still your mind in preparation for your collision with the earth.

Suddenly you're whipping through the canopy. Leaves and branches swish past your arms and face. One second you break through and the next you hit the spongy undergrowth. You hit the peat with a thud and a cloud of dust rises around you.

Blinking your eyes in amazement, you peer around and take a deep breath. You're back where you started... only this time, you're different. For one thing, you're surprised to be alive. For another, you notice that everything has changed ever so slightly. Maybe it's just your perception, but everything simply glows with life.

Welcome back. You can come here any time. :)
Maddy

Dancing Queen?

As you walk into a dark and smokey drag-bar, the rhythmic pulsing of distorted house music rattles your chest and reminds you that it's been a long time since the last time you went dancing. Oh dancing! What a sweet release! Nothing but you and the music. You move your body in time with, against, into and out of the music in a frenetic rhythm that is all your own. People around you openly stare, whether in wonder, amazement, or abject horror you don't really know and would like to think that you couldn't care less.

But you've just arrived and need to do the rounds, giving out hugs and handshakes to new friends and old. You've arrived on this particular occasion to celebrate a good friend who is transgender like yourself. Included in your circle of friends are M2F and F2M transsexuals, cross dressers, drag queens, drag kings, gender queer, gender fuck, and bi-gendered... all of whom seek the solidarity of each others companionship in the relative safety of the local gay-bar.

Maybe it's the way you dance, the sweat in your hair, the fact that you're not wearing a bra and your tiny tits aren't big enough to really make an impression, or that you've been hanging around with queens all night, but you get clocked on the dance floor by a group of giggly college girls. They egg each other on, trying to see which of them has the guts to come over and dance with you. Finally the bravest (or drunkest) of the group comes over and gets right up in your personal space before you realize what's happening.

Not wanting to embarrass her or yourself, or hurt anyone's feelings, you dance with her for a few seconds before backing off to do your own thing once more. Suddenly another girl from the group pulls out a camera and begs to take your picture to commemorate her friend's bravery. Not knowing what to do or say you oblige and then retreat to your own corner of the dance floor, not really knowing what to make of the whole affair.

Eventually the night trickles to an end and you escape the noise and confusion of the bar. As you drive the one hour trip home you reel from the insanity of the night. Were you dancing well? Did they really clock you or were you just being paranoid? Why didn't anyone really want to dance with you? Where the hell were all the lesbians? Why don't you seem to fit in with ANYONE at the bar? AND WHY THE !@#$%^ DID THAT !@#$%^ GIRL FEEL THE NEED TO TAKE YOUR !@#$%^ PICTURE!?!?!?!

The more you think about it, the more ticked off you get. "I'm not a !@#$%^& tourist attraction!" you tell yourself irately. I mean really! Why not take a picture of the drag queens? They're WAY better looking! grrrr the whole thing just makes you ill!

It's not easy being a bisexual transsexual! You're too girly for gay guys or straight girls. You have the wrong equipment for lesbians or straight guys, and you can't seem to find any bi girls or guys who aren't already taken or just messed up in the head. Few of your trans friends are close enough to your age to even be an option, and those who are, aren't really interested. Come to think of it, it's !@#$%^& lonely! :(

You know what though? Given the chance, you'd do it all over again in a heartbeat! ;)

*Hugs*
Maddy