My view of Gender

You know... It's very funny (to me anyway) how my view of Gender has changed over the years. This is especially true of my own expression of it! Here's what I mean...

I grew up a poor country boy in the rural North Carolina. Much of my youth was colored by the strict ways that boys and girls were segregated and taught to behave (ie. the Gender Binary). Boys were to be tough, strong, unflinching, brave and handsome. They weren't allowed to have feelings, feel pretty, care, or generally do anything that could be perceived as to 'uppity' or that showed any form of 'weakness'. Girls were expected to be pretty, caring, nurturing, and quiet. They were not allowed to be tough, competitive, independent, or self motivated. Anyone who broke these rules (like me) was picked on, made fun of, and even beaten up.

Because I grew up in this world, I had a very strict notion of what boys and girls were, and since I knew I wanted to be a girl, I reviled everything about myself that fit the boy category and longed to be able to express those things I saw as falling in the girl category. This of course led to a pretty low sense of self esteem, and a VERY suicidal little boy! :(

When I was 19, I attempted to transition. Although I did go full time, I was still so entrenched in the Gender Binary that I was reaching for an unattainable goal. I was trying to be something other than myself. Because of this, nothing made me feel better! Although I did pass somewhat, I couldn't see it or feel it because all I saw when I looked in the mirror was a boy pretending to be a girl! Needless to say, things fell apart and I wound up going back to being a boy (or something like that) ;)

Fast forward about a decade. I'd managed to develop some self esteem, but at the same time was still pretty enmeshed in the Gender Binary. Because of this (and the fact that I was still a boy and didn't want to be) I was still dealing with a lot of suicidal tendencies. Then I found a wonderful therapist who understood the Gender Binary and saw how it was killing me!

He adeptly questioned the way I was looking at things and set me upon the task of learning more about this gender thing and all of the possible ways it could be expressed that don't have anything to do with a Binary Gender system. I set to it with gusto! I found out that there were MANY types of transpeople! There were transsexuals and transvestites (that I already knew). There were butch and fem, guys and girls. There were genderqueer people who didn't identify as either!

That last one really piqued my interest! You see... I never thought it was really possible for me to pass as a 'girl', but I felt that I could possibly be happy with a queer identity! I would give me the freedom to express myself in any way that fit me! This sounded COOL, so I set about getting rid of everything that I didn't like about myself, all while keeping the things that I'd learn to enjoy.

I slowly changed the clothes I wore and I started growing my hair out. I also kept doing TaeKwonDo, and all of the fun physical things that I like. Most importantly though, I gave myself permission to stop pretending to be a boy! I quit butching it up. I showed my feelings. I hugged people when I saw them. I cried when I needed to. I also tried really hard not to start pretending the other way. I didn't over 'fem' it. I only wore what I was comfortable in. I allowed myself to stand tall and proud, to be strong, and also independent. I felt I was living a queer life. I was proud of my queer identity. I didn't really feel like a boy or a girl. (or at least what I'd grown up to think boys and girls were.

Then a funny thing happened. I started to pass: not as a queer person, or butch (which I still thought were my only two real options), but actually pass as your average, straight, young, even *pretty* girl! Who knew?!?! This was actually the hardest thing of all for me to accept! Although I'd wanted to be this way my whole life, I'd never really expected it to happen!

So what did I do? For a time, I went off into 'girl' world. I focused a lot on being pretty and even more on passing... (I became addicted to it!) I briefly forgot my queer identity (or at least relegated it to the back of my head), and enjoyed just being and feeling and acting feminine! But I quickly noticed that, although it felt good, there was a certain shallowness to what I was feeling. I felt like I was giving up too much of who I was as a person in order to be pampered and adored by those around me.

Once again, I found myself really trying to integrate the many sides of my identity into one whole person. At first I struggled between the desire to pass and the desire to express all sides of myself. Then I remembered something I'd noticed before... this idea of 'passing' was bull! By this time, I knew plenty of women who were WAY more masculine than I was, and men who were WAY more feminine than I was! I had the ability to 'just be' and still be accepted by the world around me as a woman.

So now I live what I feel is a queer life. Yeah, I pass. Most people even go so far as to assume that I'm your average straight, middle class, soccer mom or college girl (ugh!) ...but... I also have my tough moments. I still teach TaeKwonDo and kick butt with the best of them. I also date whoever strikes my fancy, regardless of gender or sexuality. I walk between worlds. I work in the corporate world, I play in the male dominated TaeKwonDo world. I'm a queer activist. I'm a single mother. I have friends and partners of every shape, size, color, gender and sexual orientation. They are all pieces of me and I of them. That's what I call queer... but in reality ... that's just normal. :)

TRANSGENDER DAY OF REMEMBRANCE MEMORIAL

On Thursday, November 20th from 6PM to 8PM, there will be a memorial service for the National Transgender Day or Remembrance. The memorial will be held on the Halifax Mall closest to the corner of Salisbury St. and Lane St. in Raleigh, NC. This is the green space that connects the NC State Legislative Building with other government buildings.

Please join us in observance of National Transgender Day of Remembrance. Throughout the world, people gather this day every year to pay respect to those needlessly killed by hate crimes against the transgender community, and to call attention to the threat of violence faced by gender-variant people.

The program will include a message from Janice Covington Allison from TransCarolina, experts from the lives and deaths of those who have passed, and reflections from the community. It will end with a candlelight vigil to honor those who have been victims of violence.

The program is being sponsored by a coalition of the leaders of many state and national GLBT organizations, local Gay-Straight Alliances, and community members accross the state! Everyone is welcome!

Please contact Madeline Goss at madeline dot goss at gmail dot com for more information. You can also read more about the TGDoR at http://www.transgenderdor.org.

*Please no filming or photography without direct permission from the individuals being filmed or photographed*

Little Piece of Heaven

About 45 minutes north of Raleigh is a little town called Hillsborough. This quaint little town in the country is also a hotbed of liberal arts and cool people! I had the extreme pleasure of spending the day there last weekend (actually 2, but who's counting) with my good friend Terri and her wife, Patty! :)

We had SO much fun together! After a little while spent cooing over their many dogs and cats, we went to 'town' and had lunch at the new whole foods type grocery store. Lunch was hasty because we didn't want to miss the hand made puppet parade. :)

This parade was simply the cutest thing I've seen in a long time!!! There were people on stilts with bird costumes, little kids with fish on sticks (a school of fish), Chinese dragon type snake costumes, green man of the woods, and many more creatures of the Eno river present. There was also lots of drum, whistle, rattle, and other musical instruments to be heard along the way. All together it made a cacophony that was truly something to behold! I'd highly recommend checking it out if you hear of it coming to your area, or get a chance to head over to Hillsborough this time next year! :)

After the parade we Patty and Terri took me back to their place and let me turn a few pieces of wood! :) Patty is a wonderful artist and makes absolutely beautiful bowls, platters, ornaments, and such out of knotty, otherwise useless hunks of old trees!

Terri, in turn has a thing for chainsaws and is quite adept at carving up and rough turning the wood for her wife! Together, they make quite a team and it was SUCH an honor to be allowed to take part in making such beautiful artwork with them!

Southern Comfort = Queer Power

WOW! I mean really... WOW! I'm so totally and completely basking in the afterglow of SCC! I had SO much fun! I also met some seriously awesome people while there!

I love doing anything centered around queer people! It just makes me happy to walk into a room absolutely filled with people who cross gender, personal, political, and sexual lines on a regular basis! Being trans identified, this is as much an affirmation of who I am as anything! :)

More than that though, I truly see myself as queer! I mean, no matter how you look at it I cross "normal" boundaries on a regular basis. Gender-wise .. well, that's just obvious isn't it? At least as long as you don't start looking at the fact that I pass a little TOO well, and I am too often mistaken for your average straight middle class woman.

As for sexuality, I just don't think I could take it any farther than I already have (at least and not cross some boundary on good taste... ;)) I've dated and slept with men, women, and everything in-between... and enjoyed it! I actually prefer people who aren't all that 'straight', since it takes a lot of pressure off of me to be 'normal' as well. :)

Speaking of which... wasn't I talking about SCC? Oh yeah.. ;) So I met some awesome people there, went to a lot of seminars and learned a great deal (especially about the guys...). I also met this really sweet t-girl down there who totally swept me off of my feet and had me floating on air for like 3 days! :) LOL

What really surprised me was the number of people who wondered why I was there (back to the passing too well thing). That's a VERY weird experience for me, even if it is a little rewarding. Funky huh? I worked to hard on passing over the years that sometimes I accidentally go so far into 'normal' gender land that I get mistaken for one the natives. All along I just want to be appreciated for the exotic beauty that I have as a strong, queer, trans-woman. :)

OH well, the thing I learned at SCC was the being queer rocks because it gives you the freedom to be who and what you really are, regardless of the strictures of society around you. :)

Miss everyone already! :)
Maddy

When 'Shyness' is Really Self Defeatist...

I've really been struggling with something lately! It's the most obvious thing, but to me it's been a crutch that I didn't even realize I had until very recently. I'm a "chick with a dick". Who knew? ;) LOL

Now this is where you smack me on the forehead and say something like, well, DUH! Give me just a second to point out what I mean by that though. First of all... I'm WAY more than just a chick with a dick! I'm outgoing, smart, goofy, creative, silly, and sensuous, just for starters. The only problem is, I could not get past the C.W.D. syndrome in order to appreciate those finer qualities about myself!

I've never thought of myself as self-limiting, but for the last two years of my transition, I've totally cut myself off at the knees every time I thought I liked someone, or they liked me (big 'L' here). ;( It's like, I'm so afraid that they'll get close and be freaked out by the fact that what's between my legs doesn't match what's above the waist, that I never even gave whomever the opportunity to show me how really cool they can be!!! I mean... is that neurotic or what?!?! grrrrrrr!

From this day forward I promise to forget that I'm "different"... at least long enough to give someone a chance at getting to know me better! Otherwise, no surgery in the world is going to "fix" my insecurity! :)

Happy Friday!
Maddy
PS: Great topical post in the Zen habits blog => Attack Your Limitations: Turn Your Weaknesses Into Strengths

Newsweek: TV Gets Transgendered

WOW! Ok, so a coworker sent me a link to this Newsweek article and I just couldn't believe how awesome it was! The article takes a positive note about the trend for putting TG the reality TV shows. On top of that, they use the right lingo, and reference the right organizations (NCTE). I was especially impressed by an analysis of how Isis' transition relates to her ability as a model! Great read! :)

http://www.newsweek.com/id/159390/page/1

Enjoy! :)
Maddy

Come to my quite place...

Welcome to my quite place. To get here, you first quite your mind. Let your thoughts drift and ebb as they feel the need but don't focus on them or let them distract you.

Take a deep breath. Hold it for a second and relish the freshness of the air, the clarity it brings, and the life it sustains, then release it back into the world. Breathe easy and calm.

As you take the first step notice the rough texture of the rough-hewn limestone stairway as it leads up through the misty jungle. Notice the effort of each step and coolness of the stairs as they press into your feet. Make solid contact with each one, knowing and understanding exactly where you are at all times before taking the next.

Your mind stills and a sense of awe dawns as you reach the canopy and view the expanse of nature that spreads out for miles around you. Above your head, falcons dance on the breeze. Below your feet, jaguars pad through the soft undergrowth.

Welcome to the middle world, the place between places. Its beauty is awe inspiring but can also be distracting. Let it fill your senses and give you hope, but don't stop here. You're only half-way there.

You return to the stairs and notice that they're getting steeper. Each step requires a little more effort but propels you higher and higher along your way. You break into a warm sweat, feeling the gentle strain as your muscles lift you nearly to the top.

As you go higher, a cool mist settles in, shrouding your path and unsettling your mind. You start to drift and a twinge of fear creeps in as you wonder how painful a fall would be. Don't get distracted. Now is the crucial point. You're almost there, so stay focused on the path. Feel the smooth rock under your feet and against your palms as you hug the steeply inclined stairway.

Eventually you reach a point where you can get no further. You're right below the top but you can't quite reach the edge to pull yourself up. Just then, a hand is lowered over the edge. You grasp their forearm and together you haul yourself up, over the edge, and onto a plateau atop the mountain.

As you breathe deeply and recover your senses you notice that the whole world is stretched out below you. Cities and forests, oceans and deserts all spread out for you to observe. Behind you stands an ancient building. People are coming and going through it doors.

"It's not time yet for that", the person who helped you states. "You just needed a little perspective. Come back later and you can go there." You wonder how you are going to get down, but then notice people actually jumping over the edge! Warily you walk up to the side and look over. All you can see is people disappearing through the clouds.

Fearfully, you look back at the spot where you climbed over the edge and then back at the person standing behind you. "Go ahead," they say. "It won't hurt... much" They say with a laugh. Then, uncertainly you step to the edge and lean out ever so slowly, until gravity takes it's hold on you and pulls you over the side.

The first thing you notice is the sound of the air as it swooshes past, and coolness of the cloudy mist as it condenses on your skin. Eventually you break through the clouds and free fall into the open sky. Turning over you start to roll in the sky. First to one side, then to the next. After a bit you start doing somersaults and actually laugh at the feeling.

Then you notice the jungle canopy coming at you rather quickly. Sensing your impending doom, you tense... Then, knowing you have not control over what's going to happen next, you relax fully and completely and still your mind in preparation for your collision with the earth.

Suddenly you're whipping through the canopy. Leaves and branches swish past your arms and face. One second you break through and the next you hit the spongy undergrowth. You hit the peat with a thud and a cloud of dust rises around you.

Blinking your eyes in amazement, you peer around and take a deep breath. You're back where you started... only this time, you're different. For one thing, you're surprised to be alive. For another, you notice that everything has changed ever so slightly. Maybe it's just your perception, but everything simply glows with life.

Welcome back. You can come here any time. :)
Maddy

Dancing Queen?

As you walk into a dark and smokey drag-bar, the rhythmic pulsing of distorted house music rattles your chest and reminds you that it's been a long time since the last time you went dancing. Oh dancing! What a sweet release! Nothing but you and the music. You move your body in time with, against, into and out of the music in a frenetic rhythm that is all your own. People around you openly stare, whether in wonder, amazement, or abject horror you don't really know and would like to think that you couldn't care less.

But you've just arrived and need to do the rounds, giving out hugs and handshakes to new friends and old. You've arrived on this particular occasion to celebrate a good friend who is transgender like yourself. Included in your circle of friends are M2F and F2M transsexuals, cross dressers, drag queens, drag kings, gender queer, gender fuck, and bi-gendered... all of whom seek the solidarity of each others companionship in the relative safety of the local gay-bar.

Maybe it's the way you dance, the sweat in your hair, the fact that you're not wearing a bra and your tiny tits aren't big enough to really make an impression, or that you've been hanging around with queens all night, but you get clocked on the dance floor by a group of giggly college girls. They egg each other on, trying to see which of them has the guts to come over and dance with you. Finally the bravest (or drunkest) of the group comes over and gets right up in your personal space before you realize what's happening.

Not wanting to embarrass her or yourself, or hurt anyone's feelings, you dance with her for a few seconds before backing off to do your own thing once more. Suddenly another girl from the group pulls out a camera and begs to take your picture to commemorate her friend's bravery. Not knowing what to do or say you oblige and then retreat to your own corner of the dance floor, not really knowing what to make of the whole affair.

Eventually the night trickles to an end and you escape the noise and confusion of the bar. As you drive the one hour trip home you reel from the insanity of the night. Were you dancing well? Did they really clock you or were you just being paranoid? Why didn't anyone really want to dance with you? Where the hell were all the lesbians? Why don't you seem to fit in with ANYONE at the bar? AND WHY THE !@#$%^ DID THAT !@#$%^ GIRL FEEL THE NEED TO TAKE YOUR !@#$%^ PICTURE!?!?!?!

The more you think about it, the more ticked off you get. "I'm not a !@#$%^& tourist attraction!" you tell yourself irately. I mean really! Why not take a picture of the drag queens? They're WAY better looking! grrrr the whole thing just makes you ill!

It's not easy being a bisexual transsexual! You're too girly for gay guys or straight girls. You have the wrong equipment for lesbians or straight guys, and you can't seem to find any bi girls or guys who aren't already taken or just messed up in the head. Few of your trans friends are close enough to your age to even be an option, and those who are, aren't really interested. Come to think of it, it's !@#$%^& lonely! :(

You know what though? Given the chance, you'd do it all over again in a heartbeat! ;)

*Hugs*
Maddy

hormanal t-girl seeks large shotgun ;)

I'm sitting here doing 'square breathing' in order to keep from snapping and killing someone today...

• breathe in for 4 heartbeats...
• hold and center for 4 heartbeats...
• breathe out for 4 heartbeats...
• hold and center for 4 heartbeats..

Listen to the music and be at one with the universe ... don't kill people... don't kill people... don't kill people ... ok you can just maim someone today ... we'll call it a 12 step program ;) LOL

Seriously though... I don't ever recall really just waking up in a truly foul mood and not being able to recover from it before going on hormones! I know that the 'male' brain tends to have more of the 'make you happy' chemicals in it than the 'female' brain, but I'm just downright bitchy today! Thankfully I've managed to restrain myself from unloosing the fury on someone, but dios mio! It does make you wonder if your brain actually changes or if I'm just being hormonal. ;) Oh well sorry to waste a post on my bitchiness ...

ttfn,
Maddy

Death of a Hero

Last night I got one of those calls that no-one ever likes to receive. My great-uncle Harold DeHart died. :( He is one of my greatest heros! He and my Aunt Dinky have always looked after me (since I came to the Triangle Area to go to school in '92).



On top of just being a stand-up guy, he is one of the most self-made people I've ever met! He is brilliant, dedicated to learning, and extremely curious about how things work! He has something like 5 patents to his name, the last being this nifty little combination table / dishwasher contraption for dorm rooms, apartments, and retirement homes. Check it out at: http://au-dine.net/index.html. Besides all that he taught himself to play the piano and violin!

Unfortunately I haven't done the greatest job of staying in touch these past few years, but I will always remember him and admire him for the impression he has made on me! Uncle Harold, I love you and hope you're doing well in the ever after!

Maddy

Pure Magic

Everyone once in a while I come across something so special and magical that I sometimes wonder if it really happened or if I was dreaming. This last weekend was one of those times! I was up in beautiful Hot Springs, NC at a Kindred Spirits Gathering, and WOW was it totally awesome!!!

I have heard about gatherings from different friends through the years, and had always wanted to go to one, but never had the opportunity until this weekend! I've also been practicing my own little branch of Wicca (a Nature Based Spirituality) ever since I left the Christian church in high-school. (I got tired of going to hell simply because I'm different). Unfortunately though I've had very little opportunity to share my spirituality with anyone and have often felt the loss the kinship that arises from a mutual understanding of something bigger than myself. Although I should mention that I have recently found a welcoming group of people in the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Raleigh, where they accept people of all races, genders, creeds, and forms of spirituality. :)

Needless to say, I jumped at the chance to take part in the gathering when my friend, Terri told me about it. The deal was sealed when I got to meet one of the leaders of the western NC group, Holly Boswell. I knew immediately that I was in for something special. It must have been the air of presence and caring that follows her everywhere she goes! :)

Well, I couldn't have been more surprised and impressed with what I found when I got there!
Everyone was SO kind, sincere, open, and welcoming! From the opening ceremony I knew that I was in for a treat! First of all, almost everyone there was trans! Second, everyone was there with the sole intent of taking part in this special event with every part of their being! And it was truly special!

The entire 4 day weekend (Thursday - Sunday) was spent in such an actively relaxed fashion! There were several traditional pagan circle-type rituals, all of which were centered on personal growth, healing, sharing, and listening to our intuition. The most impressive and intense of which was the circle held on top of a bald mountain with a complete 360 view of the Blue Ridge Mountains!!! We did several shamanic journeys with Rick and Annasara Fire. (who have to be the absolute cutest couple I've seen in quite a while!) :) The sheer amount of intense, spiritual, and even supernatural experiences was quite overwhelming!

There was nature walks, frolicking in the Laurel river, and recuperating in the famous hot springs. We ate tons of fantastic vegetarian food cooked by our hosts at the wonderfully quaint and welcoming Sunnybank Inn too! Elmer Rocks, and you just can't say enough about his hospitality!!! When we weren't doing structured events, there was lots of getting to know each other, drum circles, story-telling by the campfire under a full moon (awesome!), yoga in the yard at dawn, oh and yeah we did actually get some sleep too! :) LOL!

I would HIGHLY recommend this for ALL people of a spiritual leaning, especially those who are TG and who are looking for something that uplifts and celebrates them for who they are! I for one will remember this forever and will DEFINITELY be back every year that I can possibly make it!

"Hello" and "Love You" to all my new friends! :)
Maddy

Maddy Speaks Up

Hello Everyone,

You may or not be aware of the fact that, aside from the many things I do, I'm also a member of the Human Rights Campaign's Board of Governors (http://www.hrc.org). Obviously, therefore I support HRC in it's fight for ALL of our rights, especially my trans brothers, sisters, and everyone else in-between. ;)

I'm not one for confrontation though, so I usually avoid engaging when people are being silly or just plain bitchy. Occasionally though I'll see something that just doesn't make sense. Recently I received an email on the Cyndi's Circle list denouncing HRC for it's recent statement to the National Platform Drafting committee of the Democratic National Convention (http://www.hrcbackstory.org/2008/08/hrc-legislative.html) .

Here is my reply:

Dear Cyndi,

Thanks for sending this out! I'm very excited about the recent activity in Congress concerning our rights as Transgender Americans! I'm a little perplexed by your blowing this off and then stating that "actions speak louder than words" though.

Maybe it's just me, but it seems that our voice as trans people is being heard by HRC, and that we are seeing "actions" on their part. This latest hearing is a good example. Another great examply is the recent hearing on "transgender issues" (http://www.hrcbackstory.org/2008/06/wow-rachel-and.html) in which HRC Business council members Diego Sanchez testified in person and Meghan Stabler testified in writing.

As a trans-woman, I personally applaud every organization willing to stand in front of our nation's government and fight for our rights, regardless of mistakes they may have made in the past. Shouldn't we all applaud and encourage more of this behavior from HRC, rather than denouncing them for their efforts?

Sincerely,
Madeline Goss
Proud Trans Woman and member of the HRC Board of Governors

Makes sense to me. :)
Maddy

Diversity In The Workplace

I work for a global conglomeration of a corporation. We have employees all over the world and also happen to have quite a few South-Asian employees at the office where I work.

Well, today I walked into our break area/kitchen in order to nuke my lunch and found a whole table full of people enjoying their lunch and what appeared to be good conversation. Unfortunately I could not partake of the conversation because it was one of the many that I do not speak. (On a side note, I really like to learn other languages and have picked up a smattering of German, Spanish, Korean, French and Italian in my few years of existence...)

As I waited on my yummy chicken noodle soup to heat up, I wound up standing next to the table, and listening to their conversation (there wasn't much else I could do). Aside from one gentleman moving aside so I could get around them as I walked to the microwave, they really did nothing to acknowledge my presence. This of course made me uncomfortable, so I did what I always do when faced with an awkward situation... I started running mouth. ;)

I started with asking if they all spoke the same dialect of Hindi (*assumption#1 - they were from India; *assumption#2 - they were speaking some form of Hindi ... yeah, I know what they say about assumptions...). They of course looked at me like I'd grown a third head, but one of them was nice enough to reply that no, they were speaking "Tamil" (which, by the way, you say hello with "vannakam" which means namaste or 'respectful greetings').

I followed up by asking where that was from, and was told that it is from "the south". Then I asked if they were all from there, and they said yes. Then I asked if they all knew each other before working here, and they said yes. Which of course my reply was "rock on!" (I was feeling pretty silly and out of ideas at this point)

Thankfully, I was rescued by the 'ding' of the microwave before I could bury my foot any deeper in my mouth. They went back to their conversation and I turned, grabbed my lunch and left the kitchen with a smile in their general direction.

So this whole exchange (or lack thereof) made me wonder, "is it rude to sit around and speak another language, knowing that someone in your presence doesn't speak or understand it?" I believe that there is absolutely nothing wrong with speaking another language around other people who don't know what you are saying. I do it all the time (for that matter, I sometimes wonder if people who speak English understand half of what I say anyway ;) ). So I guess the real 'rudeness' if there was any, was their lack of acknowledgment of another coworker in the room.

No one likes to be excluded. hmmmm I'm sure there's some interesting corollaries here... but I need to get back to work. ;)

ttfn,
Maddy

Changing Your Identity

OK! So I'm finally to the place in my life/transition where I (get?) to finally legally change my name. (The question mark here comes from one of my recent life questions, "If I lived in in a perfect world where what's between your legs didn't determine your gender, would I need to 'transition' at all?") I've done the hard part at the courthouse and social security office, but now I need to do the rounds of all of the utilities, banks, work, etc and share the good news. :)

There is one nagging question though... Should I even bother to get my gender marker changed? I mean really. Although I never wanted to be trans, and I sure as hell wouldn't wish it on anyone else, I'm proud to be so. I have a set of life experiences that are unique to me and me alone (well, me and the rest of the TG world ;) ). Non-TG people definitely can't say that they've truly walked a mile in a man's shoes and another in a woman's (figuratively speaking of course).

There more to it than that though. If I got my gender marker changed, that would be one more block in the way of going stealth. You see, unlike some of my TG brothers and sisters I don't want to be stealth. In fact, I fear it! To me it would mean giving up that part of my life that I've lived up till now, and all the experience, friends, and family that comes with it. Now don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely THRILLED to have spent the last year of my life as a woman! Even though things haven't been easy, I would do it over again in a heartbeat!!!

I just don't believe that you can deny part of who you are and remain a healthy person. It's like going from one closet to another and I refuse to do that. Because of that, I'm almost of a mind to not get the marker on my DL or Birth Certificate, etc changed. It's one little way of keeping me honest. :) Maybe I'm over-thinking things (like I always do), but it's important to me to be out as trans! I mean really ... how else are we going to change the world??? ;)

Maddy

Good Friends

You know how they say, "You can tell a lot about a person by looking at their friends?" Well, I really believe that to be true. This weekend I saw a perfect example of this. I spent the weekend at the lake celebrating my friend, Celeste's b-day! :) Well, she is totally awesome in SO many ways! The people who she usually hangs out with really demonstrate this!

First of all, they're diverse as all-get-out! She surrounds herself with people of many cultures, races, and religions. You'll never know just what kind of person you'll meet when you hang out with her, but you can bet they'll be pretty cool! :)

Second, they are all very progressive people! In her circle, there seems to be a consensus towards living a green, non-violent, and socially open lifestyle. Many of them are vegans and vegetarians and actually have good reasons for being so! Many of them are also queer, or at least accepting, which I find SO refreshing! ...being that I'm about the queerest person I know, being both BGL & T (personal joke, laugh if you get it. LOL)... ;)

Lastly, they're just nice people! I would feel just as comfortable introducing them to my mother as I do having my daughter around them. I've personally never felt more comfortable than I do when I'm around her and her friends, and to me that makes her a pretty great person! :)

Happy Birthday Celeste! :)
Maddy

Hello World

Hello World... LOL What a concept. For all of you non-geeks out there, this is almost always the first program you write in ANY programming language! Isn't it funny that for one of the most introverted, anti-social, and downright geeky of professions (or hobbies) the very first thing you do is write a program that reaches out to the whole world?

Since I'm a geek, oh a transgender geek to be vaguely specific, so I thought it fitting. :) I've previously done all of my blogging on myspace, but I want to be able to blog without dealing with a billion creepy "friend requests". Nothing personal to the nice people who've sent me requests and such. It's just that when you're as open about being trans and bi as I am, people tend to think you're up for just about anything and LOVE to proposition you. Just because I'm queer, doesn't mean I'm ready for a drunken orgy with you and 3 of your best friends. Oh and, "Hey, you're pretty" is NOT a good pickup line... just in case you're wondering.

HAHAHA Really though, life is great! I just want to have a place where I can post important things that happen to me or just happen to find their way across the transom of my hyperactive mind. ;)