You know... It's very funny (to me anyway) how my view of Gender has changed over the years. This is especially true of my own expression of it! Here's what I mean...
I grew up a poor country boy in the rural North Carolina. Much of my youth was colored by the strict ways that boys and girls were segregated and taught to behave (ie. the Gender Binary). Boys were to be tough, strong, unflinching, brave and handsome. They weren't allowed to have feelings, feel pretty, care, or generally do anything that could be perceived as to 'uppity' or that showed any form of 'weakness'. Girls were expected to be pretty, caring, nurturing, and quiet. They were not allowed to be tough, competitive, independent, or self motivated. Anyone who broke these rules (like me) was picked on, made fun of, and even beaten up.
Because I grew up in this world, I had a very strict notion of what boys and girls were, and since I knew I wanted to be a girl, I reviled everything about myself that fit the boy category and longed to be able to express those things I saw as falling in the girl category. This of course led to a pretty low sense of self esteem, and a VERY suicidal little boy! :(
When I was 19, I attempted to transition. Although I did go full time, I was still so entrenched in the Gender Binary that I was reaching for an unattainable goal. I was trying to be something other than myself. Because of this, nothing made me feel better! Although I did pass somewhat, I couldn't see it or feel it because all I saw when I looked in the mirror was a boy pretending to be a girl! Needless to say, things fell apart and I wound up going back to being a boy (or something like that) ;)
Fast forward about a decade. I'd managed to develop some self esteem, but at the same time was still pretty enmeshed in the Gender Binary. Because of this (and the fact that I was still a boy and didn't want to be) I was still dealing with a lot of suicidal tendencies. Then I found a wonderful therapist who understood the Gender Binary and saw how it was killing me!
He adeptly questioned the way I was looking at things and set me upon the task of learning more about this gender thing and all of the possible ways it could be expressed that don't have anything to do with a Binary Gender system. I set to it with gusto! I found out that there were MANY types of transpeople! There were transsexuals and transvestites (that I already knew). There were butch and fem, guys and girls. There were genderqueer people who didn't identify as either!
That last one really piqued my interest! You see... I never thought it was really possible for me to pass as a 'girl', but I felt that I could possibly be happy with a queer identity! I would give me the freedom to express myself in any way that fit me! This sounded COOL, so I set about getting rid of everything that I didn't like about myself, all while keeping the things that I'd learn to enjoy.
I slowly changed the clothes I wore and I started growing my hair out. I also kept doing TaeKwonDo, and all of the fun physical things that I like. Most importantly though, I gave myself permission to stop pretending to be a boy! I quit butching it up. I showed my feelings. I hugged people when I saw them. I cried when I needed to. I also tried really hard not to start pretending the other way. I didn't over 'fem' it. I only wore what I was comfortable in. I allowed myself to stand tall and proud, to be strong, and also independent. I felt I was living a queer life. I was proud of my queer identity. I didn't really feel like a boy or a girl. (or at least what I'd grown up to think boys and girls were.
Then a funny thing happened. I started to pass: not as a queer person, or butch (which I still thought were my only two real options), but actually pass as your average, straight, young, even *pretty* girl! Who knew?!?! This was actually the hardest thing of all for me to accept! Although I'd wanted to be this way my whole life, I'd never really expected it to happen!
So what did I do? For a time, I went off into 'girl' world. I focused a lot on being pretty and even more on passing... (I became addicted to it!) I briefly forgot my queer identity (or at least relegated it to the back of my head), and enjoyed just being and feeling and acting feminine! But I quickly noticed that, although it felt good, there was a certain shallowness to what I was feeling. I felt like I was giving up too much of who I was as a person in order to be pampered and adored by those around me.
Once again, I found myself really trying to integrate the many sides of my identity into one whole person. At first I struggled between the desire to pass and the desire to express all sides of myself. Then I remembered something I'd noticed before... this idea of 'passing' was bull! By this time, I knew plenty of women who were WAY more masculine than I was, and men who were WAY more feminine than I was! I had the ability to 'just be' and still be accepted by the world around me as a woman.
So now I live what I feel is a queer life. Yeah, I pass. Most people even go so far as to assume that I'm your average straight, middle class, soccer mom or college girl (ugh!) ...but... I also have my tough moments. I still teach TaeKwonDo and kick butt with the best of them. I also date whoever strikes my fancy, regardless of gender or sexuality. I walk between worlds. I work in the corporate world, I play in the male dominated TaeKwonDo world. I'm a queer activist. I'm a single mother. I have friends and partners of every shape, size, color, gender and sexual orientation. They are all pieces of me and I of them. That's what I call queer... but in reality ... that's just normal. :)
Posts
